


Episode II: The Paprika of the Clones

by kayliemalinza



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
Genre: Clones, Crack, Doppelganger, F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-18
Updated: 2006-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-28 02:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/302696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Order_of_Chaos, as the result of this conversation:</p><p>kayliemalinza: It's practically canon that Norrington's a bondage top and Jack's a bondage bottom, right? I mean, it's canon, right? Surely it is? (Sadly, we learned in DMC that Will is not a fan of S&M.)</p><p> </p><p>order_of_chaos: As for Jack and James - those two have switched positions so many time in my mind that I'd swear they'd found some way of cloning them...selves... uh oh. Hmmm.<br/>But the bondage is canon. Ohyes. *nods*</p><p> </p><p>kayliemalinza: Didn't you just *cheer* when the cannibal tribe tied Jack and Will to the big sticks? And Jack *poked* Will? Imagine if *James* had been there, what sort of position they'd have to squish him into to make room for those looooooong legs....</p><p> </p><p>order_of_chaos: And no - I am not thinking about Sparrington orgies with both canon versions of James Norrington plus a few extras, normal Jack Sparrow, or Egyptian haremboy/prince Jack Sparrow. At all. And I'm not going to borrow the silk ropes for it, either. So there :P</p><p>I cheered the cheer of many cheerers though a large portion of my mind was admittedly occupied in thinking happy thoughts about paprika.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Episode II: The Paprika of the Clones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [order_of_chaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/order_of_chaos/gifts).



> Written for Order_of_Chaos, as the result of this conversation:
> 
> kayliemalinza: It's practically canon that Norrington's a bondage top and Jack's a bondage bottom, right? I mean, it's canon, right? Surely it is? (Sadly, we learned in DMC that Will is not a fan of S&M.)
> 
>  
> 
> order_of_chaos: As for Jack and James - those two have switched positions so many time in my mind that I'd swear they'd found some way of cloning them...selves... uh oh. Hmmm.  
> But the bondage is canon. Ohyes. *nods*
> 
>  
> 
> kayliemalinza: Didn't you just *cheer* when the cannibal tribe tied Jack and Will to the big sticks? And Jack *poked* Will? Imagine if *James* had been there, what sort of position they'd have to squish him into to make room for those looooooong legs....
> 
>  
> 
> order_of_chaos: And no - I am not thinking about Sparrington orgies with both canon versions of James Norrington plus a few extras, normal Jack Sparrow, or Egyptian haremboy/prince Jack Sparrow. At all. And I'm not going to borrow the silk ropes for it, either. So there :P
> 
> I cheered the cheer of many cheerers though a large portion of my mind was admittedly occupied in thinking happy thoughts about paprika.

James sulked in the corner of the captain's cabin, pulling at a bottle of rum.

"Bugger me, Jack," he said, half-heartedly fellating the rim.

"Ooh! I can also use it to give a banana milkshake an extra kick!" said Jack, squeezing the battered tin container happily.

"Let's make the beast with two backs," James intoned. "Get to know each other in the Biblical sense. Let's damn our souls to Hell in a blaze of passion."

Jack popped off the lid and took a deep, orgiastic sniff. "It even functions as deodorant," he said wonderingly.

"Damn paprika," muttered James, and took another swig of rum. "When I become Commodore again, I'm hanging it first thing."

~~~

James passed through the hold on his way the captain's cabin to give Jack a little "surprise."

"Ooh, James!" said Elizabeth, appearing from the shadows. "You smell so nice! And you look so dashing! Listen, I've been thinking. I made the wrong decision when I chose Will that day. I've decided to leave him and marry you after all."

James frowned. "You only like me because I smell like paprika!" he said.

Elizabeth patted his arm. "Oh no, James, you're scruffy, too!"

James shook her arm away. "Too bad, toots. You lost your chance. From now on, I'm only giving myself to someone who loves all of me, all of the time, with possible expectations for days when I'm feeling bloated."

Elizabeth put her hands on her hips. "That's not what you said last night."

James slowly backed away.

~~~

James met Will coming down the gangway.

"James, I've been looking for you!" said Will, holding out a hat with a fluffy feather and shiny buckle. "I straightened out the buckle for you. I guess next time we'll have to be more careful, right?" He smiled sheepishly and nuzzled James' shoulder. "You smell nice. Is that paprika?"

"What are you talking about?" asked James.

"Paprika," said Will. He sniffed James' sleeve. "A strong scent of it, coming from—"

"Er, I meant the buckle," said James. "How did it get bent?"

Will gazed up at him with soulful chocolate orbs. "Don't you remember, James? Last night we made love. With hats on."

James slowly backed away.

~~~

James found Jack in his cabin.

He wasn't wearing much.

Which would've been fine, except that what Jack was wearing was... pink. And translucent. And kind of floofy.

"Er... what's that?" James asked, trying to decide whether or not the sharp curve of Jack's hips and the tantalizing shadow between his legs was worth all that wispy pink.

Jack sauntered closer. "These are my clothes, James. If you don't like them.... you can take them off." He grinned at James and tugged him closer by the hips. "Just be gentle with me.... is that paprika?"

"Um, yes," said James, feeling a little foolish. "I thought that since you liked it so much...."

"Oh James, my love, my darling, you don't need to wear exotic spices to entice me! I love all of you, all the time, without additives." Jack smiled reassuringly and wriggled against James' chest. "I would give up pirating for you."

"Now hang on a minute here!" James spun Jack around and bound him with a magically-appearing pair of manacles.

"Ooh, yes! I've been a naughty harem boy!" crooned Jack.

"Shut up," muttered James, and dragged Jack out of the cabin and onto deck. He shoved Jack in front of him to show the crew. "This ship is filled with imposters!" he bellowed. "Unless you would rather believe that _this_ —" he kicked the harem-Jack away, as he was humping James' leg distractingly "—is your rightful captain!"

Gibbs and Marty, who were standing by the helm, looked at harem-Jack curiously and shrugged.

Harem-Jack winked back at them. Marty waved.

"Alright then, maybe the pants aren't that weird. But he promised to give up pirating!" yelled James.

"That doesn't mean anything," said Marty. "He didn't follow through, did he?"

James blinked. "Well, I didn't really give him a chance—"

Gibbs shook his head. "There's a lot of false promises a man will make in the heat of passion."

"Alright, fine, so this is the real Captain Jack Sparrow," James conceded. Jack's hands were starting to get a little frisky, so James shoved him to the deck and kept him in place with a boot pressing on his back. Jack still writhed, of course, but it was less disturbing down there. If James didn't look. "But surely all of you know," he continued, with a hard stare at Will and Elizabeth, who had come up on deck at all the commotion, "that I would never engage in carnal practices while wearing a hat! The hat may become damaged, and that it unacceptable! All hats should be protected and cherished!"

Will looked down at his fluffy hat in shame. He petted the feather apologetically. Elizabeth looked smug.

"And I would never schtup the Governour's daughter outside of wedlock!" James yelled. "That might incur the disapproval of her father and his wig. And besides, I'm afraid her vagina will eat me."

Elizabeth crossed her arms and glared.

"So I have come to the conclusion—" James paused and bent down to gag harem-Jack, as he'd started licking James' boot and that wasn't good for the leather. James was pretty sure of it, anyway. Jack gave a muffled moan. "I have come to the conclusion that there are intruders on this ship masquerading as me!"

"Well of _course_ there are," said a familiar voice. James looked up to see Jack, the real Jack, wearing a shirt and proper trousers and everything, walking across the deck. Unfortunately, he was arm-and-arm with two perfect copies of James—one tattered and grungy, the other clean and be-wigged. James felt his heart contract at the sight of all that beautiful brocade. He missed it terribly.

Jack clucked his tongue at James. "The rest of us have taken advantage of the peculiarities of the situation. Is that paprika?" He sniffed at James shirt. James backed away, unnerved by the copies of himself standing so close. Harem-Jack made a sad noise and tried to wiggle after him, but the Commodore James hoisted him to his feet.

"This appears to be a British subject from the Indian territory," he said. James started. Did he really sound like that? "I shall take him under the protection of the Navy." He chucked harem-Jack under the chin. Harem-Jack cooed and nuzzled his brocade.

"Why do you smell like paprika?" normal-Jack asked.

James blushed. "Well I—I thought you would—"

"Ah," said Jack knowingly. "That was the other one." He waved a hand at the hatchway, where a new Jack had popped up. The new Jack had strange designs painted all over his face and queer red stains under his arms. He ran up to James and took a deep sniff.

"You smell delicious," he said huskily.

James slowly backed away.


End file.
